The last bit of my introduction is my insight in to culture. This is where I like to focus on storytelling. Snippets, experiences, and memories from a trip are what paint a picture of my cultural insight. I usually leave the experience as it was in mind and allow the lesson learned to the reader. Everyone can take a way something different. Probably because of my shy and quiet disposition, I tend to keep my lessons learned to myself. I should practice incorporating this in to my stories though. If it was my experience, my lesson learned, and now my story told, why wouldn’t I share it all?
I had a unique to have two distinct experiences in the same place, years apart from each other. On the first trip to visit my sister in the Bahamas my sister arranged for us to take a day trip to Nassau. We jumped the plane and drove to Bay Street. I remember it being so crowded with tourists. We hid away in a Greek café on a balcony overlooking the street. We had some food and got our bearings. My sister then took us to the straw market. It was sprawling. Aisle after aisle of vendors and their goods, each wanting our business as we strolled through. A lot of people hate when vendors yell to you. “Hey, pretty girl, you want a nice purse?” or “Hair braids for a pretty lady, don’t you want your hair braided?” For me, this was awesome! The hustle on the street had overwhelmed me, but in the straw market, I felt at home. At one point I tore away from my family to haggle with a vendor over the price of a necklace. This was so different and fun!
This past New Year’s Eve my sister and I went back to Nassau. Since, my last visit, the straw market had burnt down and rebuilt in a temporary pavilion type structure. There were still aisles and aisles of vendors. They still called out to you with their questions. But the sparkle was gone. I don’t know if the allure was gone with my age, my experience in traveling between trips, or was it the change in the location itself? This time, the vendors seemed tired. The goods were more than repetitive from one booth to the next. The prices seemed higher. And, there was no one braiding hair.
Every night, when the cruise ships boarded their passengers, the shops would close. It was difficult to find even a restaurant open for dinner. This was the first time I found myself in a foreign country, starved of culture. All that was offered were tourist driven businesses. We asked the waiters were we could find a local hang out and they pointed us to Senor Frogs, a complete tourist trap. In no way did they want tourists off Bay Street.
Although sad, it was a great example for me to see a country in two different ways. First, I saw the Nassau as the wonderfully scripted hustling, souvenir driven city. Second, I saw it as a terribly split city living a double life. There was the life of the tourist destination, and closely guarded by the locals, I can only assume, was a sense of home, off Bay Street.
There are a couple of gems in this post that show the potential for some fantastic descriptive writing.
ReplyDeleteI loved this following snippet down in the second graph:
The hustle on the street had overwhelmed me, but in the straw market, I felt at home. At one point I tore away from my family to haggle with a vendor over the price of a necklace.
The sentences could be tighter but the description and sense of place is so strong that it deserves to be higher in the story.
Be careful of unnecessary words. They tend to slow down readers and the flow of the story.
The word “had” in the previously mentioned description is unnecessary.
The hustled on the street (had) overwhelmed me. But in the straw market I felt at home.
Other examples in this essay is the use of the word “Probably,” which makes it sound like you are unsure of what you are saying. Also I remember it isn’t needed.
We jumped the plane and drove to Bay Street, I remember it which was crowded with tourists.
Also jumped sounds like a hijacking and maybe there is a missing “on”.
A personal pet peeve is the use of “for me.” In both cases in this essay, the two words could have been eliminated and you don’t lose the meaning of the description.
(For me,) this was awesome! (By the way did you see my tweet about exclamation points? Was this doubly awesome?)
It was great (example for me) to see a country in two different ways.
The biggest problem I had with this piece was the rambling and qualifying that did add to the description of the trips.
I wanted to hear more about the Bahamas and less about the reason behind writing this piece.
The first two sentences of the essay only drag it down and cause the reader to search for something else. And the personal perspective on why you can be an effective travel writer can be used later in the story.
One suggestion is to write in chunks and then move the pieces around like a puzzle and try out different variations of the essay.
With the subject of travel, anecdotal leads that paint a picture is going to help create a unique voice that will attract readers.
There is a strong travel writer within in this essay. Let the sights and the sounds come to the forefront and they will allow the writing to flow.
I enjoying reading all travel stories – I can only hope one day to be able to do more personal travel outside the U.S. Reading this post I felt like you painted a very good scene and could see you dealing with the vendors in the straw market.
ReplyDeleteJust a few comments: As I’m on learning in this class, it’s best to not use extra words or phrases to get your point across. For instance in the first paragraph, you can remove the second sentence. Also, you can make a statement stronger by saying it without hesitation. “I usually leave the experience as it was in the mind and allow the lesson learned to the reader.” You can remove the word “usually.” There are some other instances in this post (words like probably and should).
Reading the beginning of the second paragraph you mention “you” visited your sister in the Bahamas, and then quickly refer to “us”. You can bring the family vacation piece out at the beginning. Also I think you’re missing a word in the first sentence (maybe “experience”).
Lastly, I was surprised to learn at the end of the post that you were on a cruise the second time you visited the Bahamas. You should bring that up at the beginning of paragraph three.
Sidenote: I had a bit of a chuckle reading about you tearing away from your family to haggle with a vendor. Don’t know if you meant that your family was unaware of where you were or not, but growing up I was notorious for straying away from my family (whether it was the supermarket, the mall or Disney World). My curiosity of other things seemed to get the best of me. I can’t tell you how many times I heard my name called on a loud speaker…
I’m going to comment on all four pieces, your two assignments and the posts Travel and Culture, together here. They get better one by one, but each has their moments.
ReplyDeleteNice and thorough comments by Wright Wrong and Julia by the way. You are lucky to have them Audrey.
I use these first two assignments to explore focus, passion, credibility, and detail.
Your first biosketch is, like most students, a little all over the place. Life is a winding road. You try to organize it with headings, but it’s still difficult to get an answer to your question, who is Audrey?
Yet I do see the word travel in all three sections and would suggest you rewrite from there.
Luckily, your topic defense does exactly that naturally. Most students’ second assignment is the better bio because it focuses your story around an interest that motivated some if not all of your decisions on that winding road.
It is instant insight.
Your second piece is a good defense, but it tells me a lot more than it shows. People don’t want to hear that you are passionate about travel. When I can’t travel, I read about it. When I can’t read about travel, I research it. When I can’t research travel, I talk about it.
They want to see the passion within your writing.
Don’t ask me if I’ve ever been to Biloxi. Tell me about it. Don’t tell me it’s different there. Tell me how it sounds and tastes.
I’m going to do a little Frankenstein work with your second and third posts...
When I was very young, my parents moved my family from Ohio to Connecticut. It was difficult to understand that there was somewhere other than “here.” Was there more than just here and there too?
Driving around with my mom, once we moved, was confusing as well. Why didn’t she know where everything was anymore?
My family is spread out and everyone had to travel to visit one another. I have family in Canada, Colorado, Ohio, Oklahoma, Georgia, and Germany.
I wasn’t always good at traveling. My parents drove for 24 hours to my grandparents house in Florida because it was easier than getting me on a plane.
Then my sister moved to the Bahamas. You can’t drive across the ocean and the reward to see my sister at the end of the flight was worth the fear.
My other sister studied in Ireland for a semester. When she returned, she marched in to my room one night and stapled a piece of paper to my bulletin board and left. It was two words: “Study Abroad.”
In my junior year I took a semester in London. In my four months I traveled to Germany, Wales, Sweden, Spain, Switzerland, Czech Republic, and Ireland.
Your sister marching in your room with the sign is the best part of this because it’s a specific detail of your life. It’s your story. So are those early moments in the car, understanding here and there. So are the drive to Florida and flight to the Bahamas.
But tell me about them. Just like you put me in the car and in your head in the beginning. What kind of plane took you to the Bahamas? Did you have peanuts? A drink?
Your fourth and final piece gets very close to real travel writing. It has insight. You learn from the experience. But I need more of that Nassau market, more of the details that were there the first time and gone the second time.
What was the necklace made of? What did the vendor say? Describe his accent. What was the pavilion made of? How did the quality diminish in the goods sold? What were those goods?
Again, put me in your head and in the car.
You are credible, focused, but give me the details of your stories that really show your passion for places and cultures.
Good work.