After a long day of traveling the day before we anticipated taking the morning to sleep in. To make matters even better we found ourselves in the most ideal setting for comfortable relaxation...grandma’s house! My friend and I were making our way to a week long conference in Ames, Iowa and decided to take a few days to visit her grandparents along the way. They lived in a small town surrounded by farms and cornfields. It was the definition of 'quaint'. The main street only had a few shops and a movie theater that looked like it was straight out of the 1950s. Her grandparents had a modest farmhouse tucked away between vast cornfields that stretched in all directions. It was the kind of place city folk have nightmares about, but I thought it was adorable.
This particular morning my friend and I snuggled in under the covers; which happened to be one of her grandmother's handmade quilts. The shades were drawn so not to let the sunlight in and indicate to us how much of the day we’d slept away. Despite our best efforts, my friend’s grandmother let herself in to our room at quarter to seven in the morning to drag us out this warm comfort. Curiously, she did so in the most grandmother of ways by firmly, but gently ushering us. And due to our dreariness we had no sense not to take her direction.
She came in to the room and told us there was something we had to see. She pulled the covers back and started to help us out of bed. Before our feet even touched the ground she had a curtain held open as she pointed out the window. My friend and I stumbled clumsily over and rubbed our eyes so that they’d adjust to the sunlight. Looking outside, we saw the most surreal sight. For a moment I couldn’t register what I was seeing. I felt like I was in a child’s nursery rhyme and should start looking for Mother Goose.
Outside, just in front of the morning mist that lay heavily on the ground, we spotted my friend’s younger cousin parading three young sheep around the property. Maybe it’s because I’m not from the country, but it was a rather unusually sight that has stuck with me. He was a young teenager with straw blond hair. He had black rubber boots on that came to his knees. He carried a staff that came to the top of his head. With the tall boots on he took tall steps, raising his knees up high before placing his foot back carefully on the ground. Behind him trailed three young sheep. They watched him eagerly and followed one by one as he marched between the wishing well and decorative wagon full of flowers in the front lawn. He had no idea we were all watching. And grandma had no intention of being the only one to see this magically moment between a boy and his sheep.
She smiled at us warmly. Noticing the sleepy squint in our eyes she let the curtain fall closed once again and told us there was no need to be up so early. We tucked ourselves back in under the quilts and fell back asleep. It could very well all have been a dream.
With this "review your peers' work" assignment, I'm not sure what types of critique we're suposed to provide. I hope you don't find the following too intrusive!
ReplyDeleteComma after "the day before"
we anticipated taking the morning - passive
week long - should be week-long
Enjoyed the description of the house sitting among cornfields ~horror-film worthy and adorable all at the same time.
i think a semi-colon is used for two phrases that can stand alone (might be wrong about this)
Thank you for posting this Heather. You capture a nice moment.
ReplyDeleteIn the spirit of this week’s brevity lecture, I’m going to show you how much I think you can edit from this piece without losing any detail. You only have to say something once.
Your best sentences describe what is specific and unique about the moment. As I say in the lecture, detail is what brings your writing and recollections alive. You don’t even give your friend a name or at least a pseudonym.
Try this on for size…
On our way to a weeklong conference in Ames, Iowa, my friend, _____, and I decided to take a few days to visit her grandparents. Their town had a main street and movie theater straight out of the 1950s. Vast cornfields surrounded their modest farmhouse. It was the kind of place city folk have nightmares about, but I thought it was adorable.
The first morning, we snuggled under handmade quilts. The shades were drawn so we could sleep in, but _____’s grandmother came in to the room very early and told us there was something we had to see. She pulled a curtain open and we rubbed our eyes in the bright sun. Outside was the most surreal sight. I felt like I was in a child’s nursery rhyme and should start looking for Mother Goose.
In the mist, ______’s younger cousin herded three lambs across the property. He had straw blond hair, black rubber boots that came to his knees, and a staff that came to the top of his head. He took tall, careful steps and the sheep watched and followed him eagerly between a wishing well and an old wagon full of flowers on the front lawn. It was a country sight this city girl will never forget.
He had no idea we were all watching, but _____’s grandma had no intention of being the only one to see this magical moment between a boy and his sheep. She smiled at us warmly and let the curtain fall closed once again. We tucked ourselves back under the quilts. It could have been a dream.
This is a great scene. Your use of detail is incredible; allowing me to paint that clear picture in my head.
ReplyDeleteOn the surface, there's only a few typos here and there. Those that have already been mentioned, and "unusually" should be "unusual".
I agree with Professor Kalm as well. I would like to see a name for your friend. It can give the piece that extra personalization for the reader.
Watch out for word repetition too. Your last sentence, for example, is just a little jarring. Instead of "We tucked ourselves back in under the quilts and fell back asleep", try "We tucked ourselves back in under the quilts and drifted asleep once more". It's just some minor rewording, but something along those lines could make all the difference.
Thanks for sharing this with us!